The Child after the divorce (a guide for survivors)
Divorce with children is always very tragic. Not always ready for it parents. But for children in General, divorce «sounds» like thunder from a clear sky… They don — egocentric, the whole world revolve around them alone and suddenly… all permanent and eternal crumbling…
The parents are no longer together. The child is very difficult to understand. How? Why? Issues not on age and experience of the baby…
Consequences of divorce for children
And in this hectic and whirlwind of divorce, the child decides that it’s his fault. He didn’t listen, he broke up his pants, he cried a lot and asked for a new toy…
Naive? Of course! But it is for our adult, grown wise life of the mind, and the baby my little brain could think. Especially if, God forbid, any of these events very «successfully» coincided with the departure of one parent (most often, of course, the Pope).
Older children may be angry at everyone and everything, to show regressive reactions, answer back to both parents, to be offended. Thus, they are taking revenge.
Taking revenge for the fact that their safe little world collapsed, went upside down. Children do not understand the meaning of divorce. they only understand that their reason ceased to love, dumped, betrayed…
And so the divorce can hugely affect the fate of the children . Until the adulthood grown children believe that they are defective in some way flawed. Once they are able to betray someone near and dear people, what we say here about other people? And broken in early childhood psyche whispers that happened once, repeats… And then these adults long and costly trying to get myself right, to find the strength to believe, to trust, to start their personal lives.
The child after the parents divorce, parenting after divorce
Parenting after divorce often causes great difficulties. Wanting hard to change the situation, the child tries to attract the attention of both parents . And is this not always healthy means. He will prefer to start to behave badly, just disgusting, just to divert the attention of parents with internal squabbles to themselves. To save the family! The child is not aware of his mission, but he is willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of the family. He can become seriously ill, to go into the dressing. throw to learn, to get into bad company, to leave home …
And in most cases it works, parents really forgetting their own problems and with double enthusiasm rush to solve someone else’s.
But infantile sacrifice — it is not a panacea, the husband and wife only temporarily unite, is the intensity of emotions associated with a child and everything is twisted.
And the task of moms and dads, despite its far to difficult problems, over and over again to speak, to prove, to convince, break up spouses, parents and parents will remain forever. At all times and under all conditions they will love their child. And take care of it .
Unfortunately, what I described — the ideal situation, but in fact often happens, dad’s leaving and as if suddenly forgets that he was once a son or daughter. Or remembers them only on major holidays, nakoupit toys, lots of clothing, in order to pay off and in his mind not to seem so bad. Somehow, in our «enlightened» century, the vast majority of parents who do not agonize over the question of how to leave their child after divorce.
Sometimes the mother, angry at her ex-husband forbids him to see the child, tends to start running again. «We haven’t needed!» — often offended she exclaims, forgetting that mom can really don’t need anything, but the CHILD… Usually, with time, such hysteria passes. Decreasing emotions, and the woman realizes that in her situation, the father want the child always. If they don’t work »», then at least occasionally. As they say, on the record and cancer — fish.
I now do not take into account another situation where the kids, seeing the futility of his attempts to reunite a family, you begin to manipulate their parents . using the fact that mom and dad have almost no contact with each other, and therefore do not have complete information. And starts speculating on the feelings of parents, bickering, rivalry, who is best for a child, clever extortion of gifts, the child seems to be saying that, since I still was not able to connect them together, I at least squeeze with them that only you can!
This happens, but when the situation is already very advanced.
It’s even harder when, after a divorce, a new family one of the parents . and the old one is deleted, as a draft, failed attempt. And expunged in its entirety, including children. The child in this case is extremely difficult… It from severe mental shocks can be saved only remaining tolerant attitude in his inner circle of adults to its adaptation to the age peculiarities of growing up. Here can play an important role wise grandparents showing an example of a decent and respectful attitude to separated parents.